My Mother

My Mother was a liar
I say and I’m not ashamed
My Mother was a liar
For what she said
My Mother was a liar
For all the things she made me believe
She was a liar, in all that she said
She told me that a friend won’t leave me
She told me that I was illuminating light and dreams
But she was a liar, ‘cuz I can’t see a single hope beam
She was a liar
And told me I will one day find someone who’s worth the pain
But pain is all I’m getting, and none of them is worth it
My mother was a liar, she said one day everything will be fine
I lived hundreds of days on that thought, till it no longer lived in me inside
She was a liar, she told me I could be anything I want
But now, being forced to be who I am and what I be
She was a liar, she told me that people will only love me for my true gold
But I look around, and think how full of shit she was, when all people see is looks and eyes so mean
My mom was a liar, she told me this life will get easier as it goes, but with every passing day, I’ve wished it’d been my last day. She was a liar, she told me life was worth the fight but when I sit all alone in quiet, I hear nothing but hate from the night. My mom was a liar, she told me I could run right to her arms whenever I felt sad. But now, as just as she’s far as the sun is from the moon, I can’t even get a glimpse of her eye. My mom, my mother, she, lied to me.

I walked through this empty road, alone and my heart is about to erode. Memories of subtle glances, and aching features lingered on my half-conscious brain. I Didn’t anymore seem strong, from all of this i wanted to close my eyes and go. Could it be? That i don’t understand beauty if it has fell right in front of thee. Could it be? That everything i love to see, or dream is nothing but my vivid imagination taking over small spectacles of my life. Yet, i walked through this empty road, its not like i could choose. Every breath of mine, it seemed that i have owed, and every blink of mine stole some life away from my soul. The road seemed to be cynical, and closed down on me. But i’ve always found darkness celestial, i’ve always found it heavenly, How come now, it makes me feel like its swallowing me inside? Making me feel i’m not strong enough to keep up with its misery? I’ve always thought that sadness was my ornament, it was my sanctuary, but now my sanctuary feels like its eating me up inside? Can i possibly give up on this life? And even if i did, where do i go from here, and how do i satisfy my thirst for death. My thirst for disappearing and never returning, how do i fully comprehend? I feel like life bestowed such a curse on me, and damned me, But like this, i’ve always been. So why now, does it seem to affect me?!  I walk through this empty road, reminds me of my empty heart, my empty soul and nothing i could give more. I walk alone, and shed tears, but instead of tears, i shed my blood. I shed blood dripping right out of my heart. It drains me, yet it kills me. And just as i close my eyes, and look at the frightening clouds, i remember i’ve lived the worst life. 

Why Me.

This is the end. He tells me. Close your eyes, relax your body and float away for a while. I shiver, i can’t think, i can’t move, i can’t get myself to blink. Why was i chosen? Why me? Why out of all the others, this is my fate? Fate i must curse, put me through this way. i never asked for it, neither had i fantasized about it, but i was dragged into it. May i ask, why? May i ask, what is it there that gets you happy to watch me suffer? To watch me bleed, to watch me with no hope. No hope, no future, no dreams. Does it satisfy you that you have to look down at me? Or torment me? Or watch me cry? My tears to you are worth droplets of Gold. The more they fall, the richer you feel. Isn’t that right? I’m born for this life and these faults? A storm with thunders and wonders. I wonder. I anticipate. And i keep it in. Can’t talk, and can’t argue through this way. What am i feeling now makes me incomplete. You make it feel nature for this hate to outwardly grow and you make it seem okay for you to torment me. If this life was by choice, I would’ve never picked to be here in this chaos. I’d rather leave, even if I had no place to go then stay in here and look at this picture of you. Proudly, arrogantly bringing me down. Happily, gladly watching me frown. I will say that I had mostly spent this life with no way. No plan, no tasks. And you, you pushed me right through the nothing, and told me to float. Float with no dream. Float with a lot of heart breaking beams. Why me ? I shiver. I can’t think. Why me? Out of all this mess. Why me? Do I have to pass through this? But you tell me there is no reason for suffering, just a reason to keep me going through it.

Baby just before you aim the gun at me, you kiss me. Just before you tell me to never be me, you say you appreciate me. Just before you breathe fire into my face, you leave your breath lingering on my neck. And before you try and disable me you make sure you comfort me. ‘Cuz I don’t know how this works, and I don’t know what kind of love goes inside your mind while you torture me but at the same time, oh I’m sure you love me. And I, I fully surrender to your powers, your mind and your paradox. I totally surrender to your passionate hate and your loathing love. ‘Cuz baby, I don’t know how you work this, or why you hate me. But I for sure know that before you sweetly kill me you’ll make sure the last picture I see will be of your pretty face guiding me through.

Goddess

For a while back my dear, 
I thought escaping was the only plan to feel

For a while back my dear,
I thought i shouldn’t be sensitive and escape all my feels

For a while back my dear,
I’ve been running away from a written future and escaping an all-ready happened past

For a while back my dear,
I’ve been going from the start and back to the end
Didn’t realize that yes i was running away, but running away inside a loop
Losing my mind in this whole madness group 

For a while now, i’ve been trying to leave the past behind
But i didn’t realize that the past is just like my poems
Already written, rotten, and with no audience 

I didn’t realize that the past 
Was something i couldn’t keep on track 

For God is nothing but just a writer
All that we live, he wrote.
All that we felt, he knows
Its like he controls this big play of life, and gives everyone the roles
Chooses who lives and who goes
And i finally understood that i maybe missing a lot of stuff
And maybe ruined by a lot of things
But at least my talent is Godly
At least when i write, i know i have a trait of God 
I know i’m a Goddess explaining what she’s worth
For really, i’m just a person writing what i think should happen
And on paper, changing some events in the past 
Such a heart-warming task. 

For the world wasn’t making anymore sense, and the noise inside my troubled heart killed me with its constant knocking on my ribs. Its like my heart was ready to blow apart to let all the feelings come out, and my soul was so ready for my eyes to be sad and break and end its own start 

How can i sleep, if every dream of mine scares me away. And how can i stay awake when only your face haunts me? Sleeping became painful and staying awake torments me. I fuckin hate sleeping, i fuckin hate sleeping but somehow i yearn for it. I yearn for feeling your touch and looking into your eyes, i yearn for the memories and your life. And i fuckin hate staying awake, I fuckin hate being awake, since only that memory of you leaving lingers on my mind. You ruined me inside, you controlled every aspect of my life. How do i look at myself now in the mirror, without your ghost picture that appears behind me, and how do i lay awake when your lying body sleeps inside my mind. How do i get rid of this painful life, and how do i destroy my very weakness that only appeared in your sight. My feelings for you surpassed emotionally, your absence now aches me physically. Its hard to get up, look at the sky that your under and walk the streets of this ugly town. If i did believe in coincidences, i’d believe that this hideous place would re-unite me with your dreamy face under the same sky i now abhor to look at. The sky me and you stayed up looking at and watching, planting our dreams in it, and drawing on the clouds now haunts me everywhere i go. When i look up, it reminds me of the look on your face, and just as i walk in the streets, every person becomes you, every store holds your scent and every phase i just want to get rid off. You, just one person, made me hate a whole country. You, just one person, made me yearn to leave this place and escape. My scars i used to hide them, but for now i wear them proudly. They’re the only things that remind me that what we had was real, and what we felt was nothing less than what i feel now. Maybe you’ve already broken me, Maybe you’ve already killed me, But there is a part inside my heart that refuses to give up. There is a part inside my soul that still has the urge to get you back and hold you in my arms and never let you go. Because after experiencing the world on my own, i’m not sure i can go through it without wasting my soul. 

And i love how people tell me, you should’ve known all of this would happen before you decided to fall in love. And in my mind i say “I didn’t decide. Love is never about decision. It happens in the most random time when you least expect it”

Lay me down in your bed of water, to me its a tub with flowers and broken petals of dreams. Cut the bed right open and let me sink in. Let the water wrap my hand and wrap my lungs. Let it hug me and take me in. Let me forget about floating and flying. Just let the water grab me in and destroy the memory of me. Make me vanish with no name. Let all the times heal and the broken hearts forget. Take me from their way, I’d leave and let them live. For all of this life, I can’t partially comprehend.